Kinda thinking too much about nothing interesting

Getting older sure does have it benefits.  It takes less time to pooh and I look forward to it more.  Walking long distances is not an option.  Running away from my problems involves running and I don't run anymore.  Sleeping around would likely just involve sleeping and my wife could not be too mad at that.  I care more about your feelings than my own but then again I care more about my TV than you or me so what good is caring more for you than me do either of us.  I miss the things that used to get me in trouble.  I miss being in trouble.  I miss caring so little about work when that is all that I seem to care about now.  There is such a fear that motivates us all to be successful but as we get older it seems to be stronger.  It is more a fear of starting over and not the success itself.  Its the mountain it takes.   I miss the lack of wisdom that I used to have when it involved pursuing what was fun to do.  I miss my Father every day of my life.  I miss all of my friends that I likely will never see again unless they die, but they won't really be there.  I am more grateful for the beauty that I find in simple people.  I miss that I don't take nor seek advice anymore but always feel as if I am in a position to give it.  I long for an erection that could hurt someone, other than their feelings.   I miss the confidence that I used to have for the things I could not do yet.  I now can see that all people are not created equally in talent or discipline.  I think that everyone deserves a chance to succeed, just not my chance.  I have noticed that some people have more degrees than they should to try to hide the fact that they are stupid.  What happens in the desert should always stay in the desert. It is not wrong to like men more than woman when you first get to know them.  There is a near zero percent chance that a man is going to give me herpes.  The older I get I realize how little most people care about anything.   I realize that I never had sex with someone that I thought was ugly.  I regret that. 

Blogging is hard work

Seems silly what people think they do for work matters to anyone other than themselves.  Now that I am a cooperate whore willing to do the work of 7 people I am surly part of the problem.  I don't think that I could live with myself any other way.  Being self employed for as long as I was and the type of person owning and operating a business that I had creates a certain type of approach to work that surely does not seem to be shared by the majority of the people that I run into.   Some have the drive and desire to challenge themselves but most don't.  It is funny that the ones who do are so skilled that they really could ride it out in easy fashion but would be bored.  Myself on the other hand am learning the skills needed to be successful in a completely different career.  Hard work and just basis learning your job seems to be a crossover successful strategy.  The ones who are vulnerable still try to stay in the pack as if it is a safer place for them to be.  I guess when you are as intelligent and hard working as I am staying in the pack is not a good strategy.  They will never trust me anyway so why pretend that they should.  I play life as hard as I can and am not playing a game.  If you can hang with what I bring to the show then good for both of us. If not don't blame me because your brain does not work.   Even though I have made my way forward it is still very humbling to start over and not know what other dumb fuckers already know.   I guess it may keep me young at heart to climb a mountain again.  It seems that my work load is about to triple and I am already working over 60 hours per week and now have the burden to train and teach others what only I have been able to do.  It will be hard. 

Sad thing for me lately is that my life is consumed with work and my drive for success.  It seems like that would be a good thing but anything can be over done and like anything I tend to over do.  One sure way to know that you had enough is to have too much.  It makes me wonder what my next career will be.

One good thought that I had worth sharing other than I work hard and am good at what I do but still fuck up here and there is that we tend never to focus on the friends that you have in your life right now.  They are the most valuable friends that you have as they define the person you are now.....I enjoy and embrace all of my friends who I never lost track or love for but an open heart for those who's days we can improve have tremendous value.  It is important to be important everywhere you are.  It is the only way to turn a new location into a new home.   

I can blog again or is it too soon

Hello All,  I mean hello Me.  Who the fuck would read this shit anyway.  Not enjoying work as much as I used to which is not too much since I am no longer self employed.  Being an employee is a worthless way to go through life.  Anything you do right you will never gain the reward for and anything you do wrong will be used against you.  Lets face it it all will be used against you.  I wish I could just yell at these Mfrs that my net worth is more than this whole fucking offices times two but who the fuck would care.  They may already know that already.  I guess I am just biding my time until I can retire.  Sad to think that I may have 20 more years of this mindless dribble.   Its not too bad if it was not for the people that I work with, the work itself I find sort of interesting.  I can make anything interesting I guess because I am interesting......Yeah right, All I do is plan the next time I am going to jerk off.  Even that is loosing its interest.  It is a bad sign when you stop doing the things that you enjoy.  Reminds me of the time when my Doctor asked me if I have lost the joy in doing what I used to enjoy.  I asked him if he is asking me if I still Jerk Off.   Jeez, some doctors can't take a joke.  Doctors are generally assholes and I should know. 
Now that I have proven myself smarter than three engineers I wonder what I am going to do for fun at work.   I think that I may just start looking for another job and start it all over again.  It would be like Ground hog day but instead of just walking around some little town (Woodstock Illinois) I could just ruin then rebuild my life over and over again.  I should have a sense of humor about it by now.  I do have another interest on my horizon.  I am studying classical music and in time will be proficient enough to teach it.  If I stay focused on it I should be a high level player.  It is all about the practice and that is what makes anything in life hard.  Being excellent at anything is simple it just isn't easy.  I may close out my life with that.  My first love was always the guitar.  It is the only friend that I have had that does not mind my drinking. 
I do think of others often but hardly ever bother to write or call.  Not that they are not worthy or I am too busy but where do we pick up.  Hi, I forgot about you.  It has been so long since I have last eaten your food or wore your clothes.  So what has changed since I last crapped at your house.  We all get stuck in our small lives.  Too bad our TVs are better friends than people who have helped you settle a debt the old fashioned way  Maybe, it is because people always seem to complain like that is friendship.  I don't care that your wife is a bitch or that you are retarded and just unaware of it   Then the happy friends are assholes too.  Like I really care that you are so please with all of your successes.  I actually am pleased for you but why do you have to make me admit it.  One habit that I would like to break would be this respect and social bullshit that I have picked up.  I am either above or below someone.  I may have spent too much effort trying to fit in an Asian family where that kind of stuff is very important, except to my wife who does not bother thinking about it.  Then why the fuck do I.  Who knows.   One good thing about getting older and the fewer friends you have is that fact there is less people to fit in with.  But there is less chance of getting into a 3 way or a fist fight so it must be even.

It is time to blog again, Maybe twice in one day but only if I am at work

Blogging is good for the soul.  I can open up and tell my true feelings knowing that nobody cares.  I guess I can do that in real life as well as nobody cares.  People are still jerk offs and I still jerk off so it all still makes sense somehow.  Now I am no longer self employed person who takes on all the responsibilities in the World I have found a way to do that at another job.  Not the same.  No sense of pride doing all you can to ensure success and survival where most others in the group would prefer the ship to sink just to tell you they told you so.  It amazes me that I put any effort into people at all.  It further amazes me that I am even here.  Oh well, life can surely deal some surprises.  My wife still tells me how to whip my ass so I am not left without advice and instruction.  The job itself does interest me and the reports I write and research I perform does make me feel some small level of pride.  Too bad that I am less important than a pimple on my boss's ass, at least that's what he told me.  Why are people always honest with me.  It could be that I am honest with them.  Not such a great deal.  I do prefer honesty even when it is false honesty.  I do like that fact that in Arizona you can go and buy a gun and shoot people if you like.  You may have to wait three days so that they can check you out and maybe what you were so mad at will have calmed down enough so that you don't feel the need to kill people.  I can guarantee that I would still feel the same way in three days as I do now.  Work takes way too much time especially if you spend your time at work working.  Most people I have found are of two species those that work in front of others and those that don't.  How the Fuck do these people stay employed.   Oh, I was not going to curse anymore.  I now have agreed with my wife not to make anymore racial jokes of any kind with anyone as it is insulting to her.   She is Korean and finds the term chink demeaning and just plain rude.   It deeply upsets her the idea that I could condone such banter.   Since I myself do not feel any racist thoughts I can do this for her,  more so for myself.  But then again I must change myself to remove oneself from other peoples worthless indulgences.  I might as well give up porn and drugs while I am at it.   Seems simple enough.  I do condone drinking and doing drugs if it helps you cope with your life's problems.  Too bad it generally causes your life's problems at the same time.  But if you are one of the few that it does not seem to injure I want to party with you. (although I do not drink or do drugs) 

I want to move to Michigan just to brag to the World that I can drink with the best of them.  It must be German and Swedes that landed there that make it OK to be drunk all day every day.  Man they are friendly enough to handle it.  Being Irish I am not friendly enough to be drunk every day.  I would for surely say something and do something that all people would find offensive.  Irish people are hands on haters.  Those snobby and aristocratic Germans and Swedes use fancy words and methods to get their hatred across where an Irish person will just punch you.  Remember kicking your ass is always a reasonable option for an Irishman. 

Why do I find myself trying to help people who are on fire.

It is easy to see people in need and try to help them but what good does it usually provide?  Not much usually, at best you can get some of thier mess on you as well.  Corperate America is a new enviroment for me and I must say that I am not that impressed.  A lot of effort is spent on establishing relationships with people in power and avoidance to anyone who can harm you position.  Really sad is how dehumanizing the whole process is.  People are emotional and are motivated to perform their best when you give someone some positive reenforcement.  If your Boss changes your whole job may be in jeopardy just because they want people they can control rather than win over.  Hard lessons for the people who are vulnerable.  Even when you yield it was never soon enough.   Truthfullness has little value in this world as to avoid any attention is the best method.  How can they sleep at night knowing that they are harming good people.  It is hard to exist in such a world and be yourself unless you are a lazy and non aggressive dumb ass, or at least act as one.  To lie to you is common in this world and your reputation depends upon your capacity to be lied too.  I am also learning that complaining about anything is pointless.  Nobody cares and if you are lucky you are ruining their buzz.  Drug use seems like the best approach for the future as reality is just too frustrating for the sober mind.   So my new New Years Resolution is not to give the evidence that supports people Biased opinions.  Power must be meaningless if you don't abuse it.  Fear is easier establish than loyalty.  The good samaritian act should extend to the workplace. 

They words you say will be repeated to those you don't want it to.

Some people just don't have a filter. I am probably one of them. In no way am I better than anyone else. Well that may not be true. I may make better daily decisions if that is a real thing. We are all obsessed with what other people do and to some extent so am I. I just don't want to get in trouble when you get in trouble for doing what you do every day. It is unreasonable to expect others to avoid risks for you that they would not avoid themselves. I imagine that having no boundaries poses certain troubles. Boundaries are good to have for most relationships. Although, when there are no boundaries people can be free to do as they wish and that is generally good, at least for them. I just don't like it when they take certain risks that I am not comfortable with and would never expose myself to. Not that I would not want to nor never did before but for now and the foreseeable future will not. Simple things really. When you roll with people they roll the way they roll. When you get away from it all it is not as bad as it seemed when they were doing it. Maybe I am just more private than other people are and do not masturbate constantly in front of people because that is how I roll. Either way these are the people who are in my life and why should I shun them for them being themselves. Shunning is the harshest of punishments for most people do endure and the easiest to perform. Safety in numbers does not apply with the people I know......

The best way to change others is change yourself.

Many times we are disappointed in other people because they do not share the same values that you share. They may run their bullshit scheme right over you and force you to accept their ways. That is fine I guess. Not how I would handle other peoples needs or concerns but that is more often than not the way people tend to handle other people. They just be themselves and let you suffer or enjoy it regardless to whether or not you are enjoying it. I tend to be more accommodating and express that understanding by doing what you would desire me to do. I am convinced that my way is not the best way or the common way just my way and for my satisfaction it is the only way I am going to be. Live and let live is the best advice I imagine. People are on their own paths with or with out you in their lives. No one has that much influence to change where they are going or being. It would be nice if we could enjoy each others company but that includes accommodation for other peoples wants and needs. Not easy to do for anybody, me included. Oh well, that is the way things go. I have learned that my natural gift to return shit is not in my best interest as it causes me to behave in a way that is not pleasing to me or others. It is better that only I am disappointed I guess. In my attempt to get others to examine themselves I am sure that they will only examine me and that is not the intention. Being honorable and behaving honorably is lonely endeavor but in essence I am most concern with what I think of myself than anyone else anyway so I should aim to behave in a way that makes me proud. Pride is an important theme in my life. I want to be proud of how I interact with people and be of benefit to others lives. I have taken the role of asshole to those whom I think deserve it and kind to those whom deserve it. It makes me sad to be rude and crude to anyone so I will aim not to be induced into that type of behavior. I am usually good with that regard but I have slipped here and there. What saddens me is that others to whom you aim to consider do not consider you in the most basic of ways but then again that is their journey and their path and not my concern. Letting go of expectation is very close to not caring and that is a tight wire that I would rather avoid but we all will pass away in this life at some time leaving behind memories and remnants of what you valued. Too bad abuse is legacy that lasts longer than caring. Neglect is never forgotten. We are each other's Worlds. We should treat each other with more respect. I do preach a lot to others about what they should value and behave and for that I am sorry. I should not put my expectations on you if you have no interest in what I think or desire. I should learn other people's boundaries and respect them.......Again, that tight rope of not caring comes to mind. Nothing is more insulting than not valuing what someone else's values. What is incomprehensible is when they expect you to value about them what they refuse to value about you..........The hard part is taking yourself out of the relationships that you have. Successful relationships with others often do not involve you anyway it is more based on how successfully you can tolerate them. Time heals all wounds and I have my own wounds to consider so why should I be focused on others. They are not focused on mine.

Survival of the fittest.

This world is over consumed in every capacity. Maybe less is more. Maybe no criticism is thanks enough. It is hard to compare how soft and self absorbed our culture is until you compare it to others. The American culture has become a culture of one. Focus on the individual has changed into an obsession. We are all self gratifying bastards with little regard to others about 98 percent of the time. I want to shove your iPhone straight up your ass and take your picture with it. We assume others do not care because they do not say so. People are usually nice to us when they want something in return. If you need nothing in return than why are we upset when we do not get it. Balance in life is hard. The hill is always stepper as we look ahead and the past always seems to be more pleasant a place. That is because we forget the pain and remember the good. To bad we can't have that same view of the future. Optimist are jerk offs as well. I am learning as best I can to leave everyone alone. They do not realize that they are as aggravating as they are. Maybe that is why I focus on humor with so many people as a joke or happy moment we both can share and a good laugh is evidence of the joy that we have for each other. But people would rather laugh at stuff or shows from people they do not know. I never understood or participated in sit com humor. Maybe the Cosby Show just pissed me off and I wanted to bang Lisa Bonnet but Dick jokes on TV like that one 2 and 1/2 men just don't appeal to me. I would rather be funny myself. People's sense of humor is an amazing concept into their intimate side. If they laugh they may let you in. If they don't laugh with you they may not trust you. Who knows, Who Cares...........I do. I like to laugh and have some fun. I like it more than anything. More than enjoying making others laugh I enjoy when others make me laugh. It shows me that they feel safe with me enough to say and do foolish things. Most people don't trust people enough to do it as their pride and insecurities limit their affection. You don't have to be dirty joked based to do it. Just funny and inventive. It is about the creation of the humor that is important. Like music I do not like to over practice anything as it takes the joy out of it for me. It is just how I am wired and that will not change. I am the other 2 percent. I do feel blessed with those whom have humor that their mind has space to explore and possess a form of intelligence that is not common or abundant. In the word intelligence is the word tell. Some people are just not funny or only have fun at misusing other people with their actions or words. Those people have spoiled souls and never lift people out of their duress. A good sign that some one is funny or has the power of humor is if they can make you laugh when you are sad or upset. That is the best purpose of it. Life is hard and has a lot of pain and loneliness. Laughing with a friend is your best defence against depression and anxiety. Too often, at least in the media, Humor is used as a tactic to gain your trust. Look at how many commercials are based solely on the humor it demonstrates and not at all on the product it sells. Sex sells but so does humor. I think that in this over sexed society we have now focused our efforts on humor. Unfortunately, this humor has no taste or underlying message. Like the wizard of Oz the man behind the curtain is providing the show. Teams of writers deliver without their identity reveled. Back in our day comics put their reputations and persona on the line. Carlin, Pryor, etc were people whom wrote most of their material. Now it is a show based on the lowest common denominator. Not based on Art or true social commentary. Nothing is what it seems. When you watch a TV show you are buying the brain washing to consume instinctively items that you will desire. Even if you don't buy them you will desire them based on the marketing strategy. Every Sunday is the Superbowl now and you have permission to drink beer with 18 of your closets friends. I have about 5 closets friends and as a matter of mutual benefits I do not drink with them........If you are wondering why I have changed subjects it is because I had a phone call that distracted my first portion of the passage and in true to form I don't think much about what I do.......I just do. Most likely I do it better than you...........Keep your comments to yourself would be a great self help book. The things you should not say could be another. Or I am here for you to hurt me so go ahead...................Getting back to what is real. People have what they want to have. You will find a way to get what you want from people. You can forgive or deny forgiveness based on what you really want. Other people demand to be treated in a way that pleases them not you. You can either please them or not, if that pleases you. If you want to know what others will give you in the future look at what they gave you in the past. Expecting other things means you are a dumb ass. We are all alone in our world competing for the attention of other people. Is it unreasonable to expect from others what you can't do yourself? If you respect yourself how much do you need from other people. Validation is great but it should not be a necessity for your behavior. Sometimes you are right when others are wrong. Basic principles of self reliance and gratification starts with masturbation.

The best laid plans never result in having sex.

If life was as we expect it would be I would have 29 blow jobs this week alone. Maybe one or two a month would be great but I would not want to put you out. Who cares anyway? I don't know of many people over the age of 28 who are happy with their sex lives and if I did I would like you even less. We all live in the past in that regard I imagine. I spend the best moments of my life alone so why would sex be any different. I can almost predict my next move as if I know what I am going to do next. At least I am able to meet my expectations. As far as those young lustful days of ejoying the whole process. Like cooking for other people it is more of a burden that just leads to critisizm and group disappiontment. Again, doing it all by yourself at least leaves you satisfied and without the wise comments of how they like it or not. Why do people always find pleasure in something negative to say but hardship in something kind? Why do people seem so surprised when you return their bullshit to them like you created it in the first place?

Well it is time to start blogging again

It has been a long time and I thought that facebook was the place to write my muse but it is apparent to me that too many people on there don't really care to read what you have to say. Or better yet too many self absorbed types that can't find humor in a hand job. I mean come on there are better alternatives. Either way it is time to start writing down the thoughts that I have as I feel they are mostly good and reflect what I value and persieve. First of all most people are rude and if they are not rude they are boring. Unfortunately, many people are both. I have noticed also that few people have your best interests in mind as YOU exist as only comparison to how they exist. I am tired of their empty minds and empty hearts. I would prefer empty minds and hearts as most peoples minds and hearts are filled with thier own piss. In a world of few allies I have come to recognize those that are my allies. I may seem hurt but tell me what you did to extend yourself to another person and how did they treat you for it. Most likely they looked at you like you were retarted and in many ways we are. The concept of changing for the better does not include constant redicule and judgement of others. Letting people lay as they are is a wonderful concept. We offer more respect to a sleeping dog than our family and friends. Also what annoys me is how people never pre think about their encounters. The questions they ask are more like medical histories or interrigations that attempt to expose your weaknesses. I almost don't care about it anymore. If you were worthless to me when I was down you are more worthless now that I am climbing back up. I too make assessments of you but it is more a way to ensure that you are on a good path and to engage you in a way the lifts you upward. If your path to achievement involves pushing others down you are on a lonely path. To all those who are envious you are ignorant of your own worthlessness. I am no longer interested in carrying your bloated weight. You can include me in your comparisions as I am no longer offended by your harrassment............The take home message is that if you are good with you you are good with others. Others are always tolerable and managable when you have a good view of yourself. When you consider how little people care for your successes you will not be as eager to grant credibility to their critisizms. Again, I feel like I am being defiant and angry. Critisizm hurts more when you can not allow yourself to be wrong. Living a life is about being wrong. Why where you wrong and for what were you wrong about. Being lazy, insensitive and mean spirirted is no way for a mature adult to behave. Then why do we do it. We do it to cure our own empty feelings for ourselves. I am tired of people self medicating with insults. If you are going to be coarse at least have some humor. Even Joan Rivers is occasionally funny. Make an effort at not being impuslsively bad humored.......That all being said I will not adbandon the assholes in my life as they are better than the indiferent. Just don't expect me to be bothered by your bullshit......

Time to get started.

Well the big move is done and I am alone with my wife in AZ. Not a bad place to be. People here are not as friendly as I would like but I live in a fantasy world where everyone is as nice as me. I should know better by now. Loosing weight is not easy but it is fun to get back to being the bad ass that I think I am . I just wish that I did not let it go as bad as I did but I did so there we are. The wife is good and she is starting to put the pressure on. She is good that way but I trust she wants the best for me so I do admire her for it. I am pleased to be a part of a new life with new friends and new challanges, I just have to get started finding all of them. If you think of me I think of you more. It is just my nature.

Okay, its time to start writing again.

Okay, I give up giving up. Ready and willing to move across the country leaving all my friends and possessions to be with the my greatest possession, the relationship that I have with my wife. Oh, and all of my stuff. It has been interesting living apart of my wife but apart from my wife and my stuff now that is a reality check. It brings me back to when I had nothing much to offer other than my great personality, intelect and charm. It is a good practice when you live out of a duffle bag at your buddy's house. It has been nice to spend so much time with people who really care for you but like all things change occurs and time moves us forward even though we wish that it wouldn't. I am very grateful for all of the friends that I have and will miss them dearly. Some more than others, it is all relative. Anything we do is relative to what we put into it. I know that as a friend I am worth the investment and I am proud to know that I have friends worthy of my blind generositiy. Some people that I thought were friends have evaporated like vapors but that is okay. It all comes out in the end. Not really feeling the writing vibe right now but it will come back. BOB

Your problems are easy for me to help, because they are yours.

Sometime my heart bleed so much for other that I drown in my own words. I have, or at least I believe, a very keen assessment ability to evaluate people and their situations. There struggles and strife. I am likely too good at and I admit pontificate too long. But it much more than what you do for me. What do I get for wisdom and maybe advise. Most people say that I would not listen anyway but that is not true. I will not act like I am listening. I am always listening. I agree that advice giving and receiving is a dangerous game. I tend to be blunt and repetitive. But seldom wrong or cruel. I truly want people to better their situations and move forward with what they have to move forward through. It is much harder counseling yourself through your own problem. Why is that people are so apprehensive about giving advice? If you care for someone you should advise them of your view of their situation as long as it is not too personal. I would not give sexual advise to a friend or a relative. It just is not appropriate and likely they are better at it than me anyway. I try to be encouraging but often I likely just present challenges that are likely too big to be undertaken. That is why that have not done them yet in the first place. It is the general nature of advise giving. Easy to figure out what to do, near impossible to actually do it. Not to mention motivation. Now I am not going to write some self help book because I hate that shit. I do prefer people who shoot it straight, are not mean spirited and are usually correct. Advise is horrid because it is stuff we already know and the advise given is a frustrating form of punishment for not doing what they should have done already. I am going to start to act completely surprised next time someone gives me advise because I don't want them to think that I was too stupid not to do what I should have done already. That means I am lazy or something like that. We just want to see our friends make progress through their lives within our lifetime. We don't mind you having problems all the time as long as they are new problems.

As for me I am tough and would not want your help anyway. Very few ever help me where I am always helping others. It is just a way to keep people away from my needy core. Those that do help me are invaluable to me. The highest esteem for me is to accept help from you. Call it pride I guess but help is often turned into abuse or at least debt and for that reason alone I don't want it. If you give to me with no expectation back I would gladly accept but who is stupid enough to do that other than me. Life is a gift, our duty is to give.. Receiving is a part of giving that I have not been to good with. If someone give you something, anything, they want something from you. At best they want you to be comfortable, which I freely give. They may want your friendship which is always an awkward situation. I really like generous people and am comfortable around them as that is my nature as well. It is those people pretending to be generous when they are truly manipulative annoy the piss out of people. I wish that nice people would act like nice people and assholes would act like assholes not to confuse the rest of us.

In totality, I have always had a lot of friends and I felt they were close friends. It takes up a lot of my time and believe me if I am with you I care greatly for you otherwise I would not be there. I do not need your approval or comradery. I need you for reasons I do not even understand. Funny how those things I just accept and not analyze.

BOB

Things are looking up but thats because I am laying down

You know life is about choices and I must say at least I can make them for myself. I really wish that the world would give advice with out sounding like a huge dick in the process but that is just the weakness of humanity. We always have to compete with compassion and ridicule with ridicule winning. I don't think that I am as bad as other but I am sure that I could improve my patience with others. Usually, people annoy the fucking shit out of me to the point that I would push you in the face but I just smile and think of food. Passive aggressive I have now concluded it just a substitute for lack of patience. What a poor indicator of personality defect. I work hard at not being as fucking annoying as other are to me. With me however, I generally don't care if what I do annoys you as you are an asshole anyway. If not so completely at least in part.... At least more than me. There are several people that I know that this does not hold true with but it is far and few in between. Anyway, what I am saying is that I have learned to be patient with most people and situations. When I lose my patience be aware I may kill you or at least hurt your feelings with great efficiency as I know your weakness and sensitivities because you told me them because you trust me. Fortunately, I believe in not harming people as it is a false joy. A joy that I don't ever think I took enjoyment from......Maybe what I am really talking about is my error in disclosing my weakness and concerns to people whom are inherently hurtful due to some internal mental disorder that I am no longer interested in engaging in any significant way.

Don't worry if you are reading this it is not you.

On a lighter note. Sometime you just have to make a decision. You cant have your cake and eat it too. Case in point. You cant have a blow job and anal sex the same day. Its just not right and shows at least no consideration for what is reasonable.

Okay, Enough of the crying.

Life is going better I guess, if being alone 80% of your day is better. Not something that I have become used to yet but I am sure that I will. I do miss my job and career and all things that I thought made me important. Now I know why old peolpe focus so much on there bowel movements. If there is not much going on in their world that has to suffice for current events. I am not going to watch Oprah or FOX hate news. I will just hand out with my dogs and ponder my next move. Planning ahead takes far too much thought and effort. As far as buying a house I am at the mercy of what my wife wants. Not a big deal really as I do enjoy letting her have what she wants anyway. It is a good thing that I do not have kids as they would have flame throwers if they wanted them. Whom am I to deny you. I just don't care too much about it. In some ways it is easier to know that you have no say in what happens. I just figured that out. No need to sell my view if it won't be considered. Not a big deal really. I want her to be happy and if controlling every aspect of my life makes her happy I am glad to do it.

I don't think that it is reasonable for your ladies under the age of 22 getting breast implants. They have not even worn themselves in yet let alone require replacement.

I have also concluded that most, if not all, people are doing the best they can and do not require ridicule. It is just not necessary and a sign of arrogance if you participate in that function more than absolutely minimal.

Brett Farve is not Brave Heart. He should be careful. Look what happened to Mel Gibson.

So in conclusion I am going to abandon my cry baby mentality and man the fuck up and take the ball shot direct with a grin. No sense in bringing other people down. In this world of never thoughts I could have gone on forever without any of these changes happening to me......I am still not crossed over into full blown gayness so You would have never thought either.

BOB

Going to where the weather suits my clothes.

Business is closed and that part of my life is past. Time continues whether we like it or not. For better or for worse time keeps on going. Life keeps on going. I keep on going. So its all getting back to what I do not know. Looking forward to cleaning painting and moving....Not really but I have noticed that my complaining is boring and I should stop as soon as I can so that I do not bore people as much as they bore me. It is only fair but in that game I don't want to play fair. The mind is a funny thing. We anticipate and fantasize about what will come and what will be said. I have come to the conclusion that for the most part all is said that will be said. All of the moves are played. If you did not get to dig as deep as you would have liked maybe you did. In the big picture it does not mean too much anyway. If people fail you why do you have to crush them. You want to but for what benefit. Just let them go. I am feeling better about everything so no need to worry. Worry about yourselves. Stress will do a lot of bad things to you. I will get back to being that great person that I am proud of. There is more to do and more to discover. I do thank all that support me as you know you have mine as well.

I did my Best is a lonely consolation

It is a lonely place when you are left after all you efforts and determination with half a sandwich and some chips. Others won't know or care and nor do I for it. Today for me is about me and I am alone and I am fine with that as alone I am. I have made every effort to have done my best and my best I have done. Not perfect some days not even close but overall I handle bad things well. I just don't give that big of a fuck to get too upset. I am a humble person anyway so trouble does not offend me as bad. Call it lack of pride or concern for appearances but I will be fine with my little car and nice guitars. I have had all the success and more than I have ever dreamed I could and that is thanks to my efforts and to those people who have helped me along my way. At some time however, it is your own boat to row. In calm seas or rough no one can help the man in the boat. (why do I always think of beaver)......That's because that is the truth of it all........ I suffer alone better anyway. Me at my worst day is usually better than you at your better day. I just can concentrate through it all and perform. I always could. I can honestly say that few people have the power to reach me when I can reach near everyone. Am I my own island? Irritating me is not connecting with me. The Butterfly Effect does exist. I hope that my effect was a good one. Time to corrupt a whole new area of the country.

When does being a martyr pay more than dismemberment. For Christ sakes it should pay more. Does it entitle you to disability.

Anyway, It is late and I am tired and if you meet me in the parking lot I would gladly kick your ass.

bob

Tis the season. For what I do not know, Or Care.

The times have been hard for us. Living apart is not how I was designed to live. I hope that the future is better than my present. It should be somewhat better but you never can tell. All things considered my present is not so bad. I could have it much worse. I can see that now. I am learning how to let go of the inner rage that near consumed me, or at least the people around me. Like they give a fuck. Now a fuck would be a great thing to give me. I am learning a lot about myself with all of these trials. I now accept, as I did before that drinking more than two beers is generally not a good thing for me to do. I accept that and will abstain from excessive drinking. It is unfortunate that I have the family history that I have for alcoholism but I do. It is not my fault. Drinking is. It is the family curse. We all have the demon. I have it too. I just don't dance with it as often nor deny that it exists. I have also learned, or am trying to learn, how to let go of the rage that my Father gave to me. It is effective if approached by strangers or need to talk someone off a bridge but for general purposes it is misused and misunderstood. I have, as do all my brothers have, a rage that goes all the way down to my toes and beyond. It is primal. It can be scary. It will not turn away. It is a distorted sense of will. I need to let mine go its merry way. To let it go live somewhere else with someone else. My rage is not completely unjust but what good does it do other than cause me to be alienated from people whom otherwise would have no position over me. But that brings up another point of what position do I have. I am in a position of loss and abandonment anyway. Nice to see how many can come to my rescue. The problem lies in the fact that I would refuse the rescue anyway. I have learned not to rely on others. Most relationships are based off of what you can do for them. When I need nothing because I desire nothing makes the relationship a little harder for all parties. Give people what you want to give not what they want to have has been the mode of operation for me lately. What disappoints most people that I know about me is that I can achieve great things for all people and situations if I apply the dedication and consideration for their cause. I have lost some of the belief in servitude. I mean what do I get out of it. Too bad for me as I generally do not have a payback in my mind when I do near anything. I just try to do what I think it right.

I have my hands, mind, and spirit and not much else. I am starting over in life, again. I may not be able to find fault or blame for my problems in myself but then again I may not be looking far enough. Life is a brief moment anyway and we travel through it together helping each other along the way. We cant climb other people's mountains. We cant cure what ails anyone that a smile or a cookie cant fix. We are powerless in many ways. All I desire is some consideration but not enough to embarrass me or you.

I must admit that all of the problems I have had have taught me several things about myself that I was not planning on reviewing. My love for my wife is larger than the love for myself and to come to terms with my temper and relationship with my family and my inner drive. The confidence to be yourself in all situations is true freedom. And the concept of forgiveness and loss of needless expectation. At some point in life we will lose everything. It is a process that is inevitable. Do you have the will and belief to rebuild. I am humbled to a great extent but I am confident that will go away.

bob

It has been years since I last blogged.

I don't blog nearly as much as I used to. There are many things that I do not do as much as I used to. Eating is not one of them. To update, Moving out west to start a new life seems daunting but whatever comes my way I will meet with the tools I have as I always do. People are sad to see me go as I am most loved. It is mutual. The mutual part is the hardest. At best people think of you what you think of them. It seems odd to me some of the issues that I have come across. Generally I have managed most things quite well to my thinking. Not as good as I would like but the best that I can do. I am never surprised by peoples selfishness anymore. It is constant and consistent. Silly me to think that my life is my life. I look forward to the up coming challenges. I find it at least interesting that my skill set is so rare, or at least it seems to be. I find a way to help for more often than just try. I do fail on occasion to help people but it is a much smaller portion than others. I don't think that I am too hard to help. Simple really, I like food, boxing, playing my guitar, rock and roll concerts, drinking 3 or less beers, crude humor. I do not like to be belittled and mocked nor dominated. If you choose to do that to me I will do it back to you. Crazy to see how much people whine and complain with everything that they do they don't even realize it. If you demonstrate disappointment for things that should not disappoint you you suck balls and should be slapped. I, as if you know me would know, have the ability to listen and think outside my own eyes to aid people with their problem. In crisis I almost never criticize. I choose encouragement as my tool. It is quite easy and I will share it with all of you. Tell people what they are and not what they are not. It is simple to find fault, hard to notice quality. You can lead more people by not pushing. Try not to alienate others by your help. Because at the root of it you should care more about the rapport with people than being right and as for me. Don't put your hand near a growling dog. Now, I would assume that this is basic stuff but it is not. It is a good thing for me that I rely on myself for the most part anyway. I have learned the hard way the confide is the root word to confidence. I notice when I disappoint and hurt others expectation but I don't tend to make a habit out of being ignorant. I tend to argue that ignorance is stupidity not corrected. Now something you do for the first time it is easy to be naive. But being a person someone would bring their problems and needs to should be learned by most people over 9. Anyway, at my core I am building my strength. I am grateful to those who do help me. I am amazed at those who can do it in a way that does not glorify themselves or alienate me. I strive to correct my wrongs but to those that I offend that will be the end of my remedy. I do not kiss ass anymore unless I want to. Wouldn't that be great if everyone was as bold and direct. If you like ask me what I think of you and I will tell you. I don't have a problem with that. To those people that I call or keep close touch with you should know already. I am at a point in my life that if you will be real with me I will be real with you. If you feel justified to attack me so will I. If you show me kindness, so will I. I am a mirror to my environment. I had a beautiful dinner Sunday, I called my friends to thank them. I did not deserve it. They were not paying me back for something I did earlier. They are kind to me as I am to them. Great friends. I have many. I am blessed........Anyway, I am venting which is boring I would much rather rant. I will leave you all with a thanks to those who deserve one and I wish you could get your head out of my ass for those who don't. Be the best you can be. Know the people you love so that you CAN help them. Be a person of importance to more people than yourself. Don't let your right hand be the only source of gratification you have. And, most of all, is patience and tolerance for all things. That is what I am trying so hard to regain. Also, Nothing annoys someone more than telling them something they already know, especially in a way that makes them more provoked. That and I pay all of my debts, Good and Bad.

Just hanging around waiting to turn around

Just doing time by myself, in the corner with no one else around. Without permission or supervision. Up to my own accord. It is my world to clean and remove all that can be seen. New beginings, new wounds to mend. All is lost but I will rise again. It could be worse and I am sure someday will be. Too bad That I did not enjoy all that I had when I had it. Without getting specific as that would bore you worse than I am already I have grown in several ways that are good. Trouble does seem to humble one. Not that I needed it but it does leave me more appreciative that all of us struggle through hard times and we are all alone to deal with our problems. It is only you who can be your sherpa. Friends can comfort you but not carry you as far as you need to go.