Tis the season. For what I do not know, Or Care.

The times have been hard for us. Living apart is not how I was designed to live. I hope that the future is better than my present. It should be somewhat better but you never can tell. All things considered my present is not so bad. I could have it much worse. I can see that now. I am learning how to let go of the inner rage that near consumed me, or at least the people around me. Like they give a fuck. Now a fuck would be a great thing to give me. I am learning a lot about myself with all of these trials. I now accept, as I did before that drinking more than two beers is generally not a good thing for me to do. I accept that and will abstain from excessive drinking. It is unfortunate that I have the family history that I have for alcoholism but I do. It is not my fault. Drinking is. It is the family curse. We all have the demon. I have it too. I just don't dance with it as often nor deny that it exists. I have also learned, or am trying to learn, how to let go of the rage that my Father gave to me. It is effective if approached by strangers or need to talk someone off a bridge but for general purposes it is misused and misunderstood. I have, as do all my brothers have, a rage that goes all the way down to my toes and beyond. It is primal. It can be scary. It will not turn away. It is a distorted sense of will. I need to let mine go its merry way. To let it go live somewhere else with someone else. My rage is not completely unjust but what good does it do other than cause me to be alienated from people whom otherwise would have no position over me. But that brings up another point of what position do I have. I am in a position of loss and abandonment anyway. Nice to see how many can come to my rescue. The problem lies in the fact that I would refuse the rescue anyway. I have learned not to rely on others. Most relationships are based off of what you can do for them. When I need nothing because I desire nothing makes the relationship a little harder for all parties. Give people what you want to give not what they want to have has been the mode of operation for me lately. What disappoints most people that I know about me is that I can achieve great things for all people and situations if I apply the dedication and consideration for their cause. I have lost some of the belief in servitude. I mean what do I get out of it. Too bad for me as I generally do not have a payback in my mind when I do near anything. I just try to do what I think it right.

I have my hands, mind, and spirit and not much else. I am starting over in life, again. I may not be able to find fault or blame for my problems in myself but then again I may not be looking far enough. Life is a brief moment anyway and we travel through it together helping each other along the way. We cant climb other people's mountains. We cant cure what ails anyone that a smile or a cookie cant fix. We are powerless in many ways. All I desire is some consideration but not enough to embarrass me or you.

I must admit that all of the problems I have had have taught me several things about myself that I was not planning on reviewing. My love for my wife is larger than the love for myself and to come to terms with my temper and relationship with my family and my inner drive. The confidence to be yourself in all situations is true freedom. And the concept of forgiveness and loss of needless expectation. At some point in life we will lose everything. It is a process that is inevitable. Do you have the will and belief to rebuild. I am humbled to a great extent but I am confident that will go away.

bob