Merry Christmas?

I hope that all of you had at least a fair Christmas. Mine was fair at best. Not horrible. There was some niceness but it was mostly from my girlfriend Russ and his family. I hope that they accept me still even thought I will most likely never turn gay and deflower their father. There is just some bridges that I will never cross. As for the home life, nothing better at Christmas like a good cold shoulder. I wish that people would hide their true feelings from me especially when they are negative in nature. I do my best not to share them with you. Sometimes I slip and curse and rant but I don't mean to do it. I just feel like for that instance you deserve to see my frustration. Don't worry, you can punish me endlessly and I will welcome the opportunity to let you back into my good graces when you are able to participate in normal healthy interaction. I look forward to when my memory fails me so that I can forget my life. Now that is a little sharp but who cares about me anyway. Oh, well. I am not going to let it ruin my day or even my minute. Being alone in a marriage has its advantages anyway. You know what the future will be. The joy that you will have in your life will be of your own creation. If you want to know what you do wrong you will and if you do everything correct you may achieve silence, at least they are not complaining. Oh well, Why do we spoil children and forgive their transgressions where as adults we are keeping score of everything that happens. Do we not appreciate that this life is temporary short time. I know that I can forgive but even that is lonely. I sometime wish that I could be a simpler person and just not think of such things but if I was then I would not be Bob. If anyone thinks that I am self pitying I may be, but say it to my face and see what you get. Just consider this another method of masturbation and then it may make sense. I have discovered recently what else does offend me. I will not reveal it as it will make it easier for those to do so. Oh well, I have work to do. Oh by the way, don't engage in political debate or rhetoric if you cant take any criticism. Just keep your fragile views to yourself.

Just another tricky day

When I am not stress out to holy hell I feel worse. Work is slow due to the economy and holidays and most of all my genuine dislike for people maybe showing more than it used to. I used to care so much about other peoples issues and concerns. Meeting and exceeding their needs meant so much to me. Today it means allot still but maybe not as much. My views are my views, my advice is my advice. Do as I say or don't. Your problems will be worse if you choose to manage them the way you are but that is just a moot point by now. I sometimes wonder how I fit into this paradigm. How my behavior causes me to suffer more than I should. I clearly know my faults and behaviors that I continue to pursue in spite of punishment. So we are all guilty of something. I guess that I truly want to be the most interesting and intelligent person in the world but that pursuit is probably neither. I surely make my life more complicated by caring for other people as much as I do. Lately, it is just more apparent how much less I get back. Not that people don't mean well but being kind, capable and sturdy just don't show up that often in one person. I did a nice thing today. I took a friend and their family out to lunch to celebrate her recovery from breast cancer. Now that is a good thing to do and I am pleased to do it for them as they are great people who know how to endure. Maybe, I should spend more time with them or the like. I would rather just play my guitar and eat sausage sandwiches but no one will let me. Being slow at work scares me to hell and back. I worked so hard to have what I have and it is evaporating. In my heart I know that I can climb any mountain again I just have to pull my self up and do something positive. I would hang out with more positive people but they are just so damn annoying. There bullshit mantra of just do and think positive. I am a negative serious guy who will succeed. I feel that I am changing from a talker to a doer. I don't know if that is possible but my wife's influence may be starting to take effect. Actions speak louder than words type of guy. I am also wondering if I should be myself even more with people. I hide my serious side because people don't need to know. Maybe I will be the serious man everywhere that I go and not the clown. I am sorry if I am boring, Now you know how I feel when I am with you.

A little board so I guess I can write en

Lets see if anything interesting can come out of a man who is board and alone. The alone part I am good with. As social as I am I do enjoy my alone time. Some people may say too much so you should call before you come over or at least knock. My general view is if you want to watch me do anything go right ahead. Anyhow, life at home is still very challenging. All the best wishes and efforts can only yield so much. At least I try and am consistent. You can't make people happy but you can try. When it comes to family you just keep on trying. I believe that not holding a grudge is important. If people are having difficulty the least you can do is not hold a grudge against them for it. I hate when people say "Don't take it out on me." Fuck those intolerant assholes. I am always putting up with their bullshit anyway and never say that to them as they would implode with grief. People generally don't like my answers to life's little problems. I tend to be too real or truthful. I say if you don't like it prove me wrong and change you situation to a positive one. If you are looking for someone to agree with you and that person is me you are in the wrong place. I generally will just not say anything but once in a while I will give you my opinion and guess what. I am right. The problem for me is that I am far too often right. I had a nice visit with my nephew this weekend and let him borrow my car to drive around. Pleased to say that he did not ruin the car and seemed to treat it with allot of respect. Amazing as it may seem people earn respect by their conduct not just being alive taking up space. I am proud of him for that. Somehow, the people that deserve positive attention don't get enough of it because they just do the right thing based on principle not reward. They are motivated by their own sense of good or service. I am far to motivated for that method of action and what do I have to show for it. That is why I may go and buy a telecaster today because I want another one. I may be turning a selfish corner here but that may be for the better anyway. I wish all my friends peace and harmony this holiday season even though all my friends have some level of turmoil and dismay. I will spend this holiday remorsing for my losses and fears for my future. Actually, I am learning to to think that far ahead. Live for today and be where you are for soon we all will be gone and all we will have left is a scar. Boy that would make a great Christmas card. I have good wishes for other but leave your problems to yourself and I will do the same. Don't ever say never in a million years because million years can happen.

anyway, I told you nothing fun today. I miss the days when I could kick you in the face and have more sex in a day than would take 2 months to achieve. At least I am an honest man.

bob

More thoughts for the weak minded.

Even my mind is getting weak. It saddens me to think that the only person that I can turn to for help is me but I seem to be the most qualified to help. Others could help but I do not want to burden them. Sharing my feeling usually leads to disappointment anyway. People tend to annoy me with their limits. I truly feel often that no one can help me anyway. I don't require ideas just show me kindness or some enduring character trait that I admire about you. I should make my best efforts to hide my feelings as if I share them you will feel pain. Giving people my pain does not make me feel better just ashamed as I should and can be stronger than that. I will and always will endure. If you really want to help leave me alone and don't tread on my space. I will leave you alone in return. It is sad to a degree that the ones who have great capacity to aid others are helpless themselves. I feel that as I get older I grow colder. I did have a young lady at McDonald's show kindness towards me that we both appreciated. A young pretty high school girl simply aware of how to say hello and simple repore made me feel better. It is a shame that we get so hardened by punishments life has to offer. No I am not attracted to her in a weirdo old man way. I save the weird stuff for middle aged men. I have a bias against anyone offering bullshit optimism to tragety. There is no reason for why things happen other than people are stupid, careless, or drunk so please spare the world your laim ass advice. I would rather prepare for the worst it can be as that is what it usually is. I can handle that too.

Back underwater again.

We shall see how much punishment can come from one mistake. We shall see. I want all the harm available. At least you can count on things being the worse that they can. For all you folks who thing being negative is bad GOOD FOR YOU. I am a realist not a negativist. I am more positive on my worst day than most people I know. I just am not in the mood for eating more shit. I am thinking what do I need to do the adapt to this problem. I had a breakthrough thought. My biggest problem, other than the other problems, are my health issues. Maybe I should deal with them and turn them into strengths. I could do it. I can do anything I set my mind to I just don't want to but I may halve to. I may loose all the weight and strengthen my arm so I am strong again out of sheer necessity. Today will be my true day one for those goals. Through strength and discipline I will recover whatever this life delivers me. I tell you one thing however, I am getting tired

Back in the Saddle Again.

I am pleased for my wife. She got another temp job. It is not much to brag about but I can brag about her if I like. She is in the ring again and for that I feel great. Great for her as she is I am sure pleased to be back, although a limited role, being a normal person again. I am so proud of her. She is quite the special Little lady. I hate to see her suffer and be depressed. This is not the light at the end of the tunnel per se but it is a new beginning. I am pleased for her. It has been a bit chaotic with the family. People just seem to have a hard time with boundaries. Now I am no saint by no means but at least I am careful with how I treat people around sensitive subjects. That is more than I can say for the rest of them. Just bulldozers of bullshit. Oh, does that hurt, here's more. Not a lot of sensitivity for other peoples feelings or territory. Now, we all need to continue growing so I don't want to point fingers. I would get into the whole thing but it would probably bore you as it bores me. Anyhow, the in laws came over for thanksgiving and all went well. I just wished that people would just leave me alone when I am trying to cook for twenty people. Just shut up. It is a fucking TV set. Find something to watch. There are no forks. So get out the fucking forks. I did everything I could to get as much work done before they all got there. I did a good job of that and all went well. I just wish they would not come over my house and boss me around. You can't have it all so I wont try. I actually care about them allot so it is easy to tolerate their manor. I just would not do it to others. Just shut up and do what you are told. It works for me with them at least. They just would not know another way. Either way, I hope your thanksgiving was full of sex and drunkenness. I am started another diet. We shall see how serious I am this time. I am tired of being tired that much is true.

Anyhow. I am proud of the little woman and that's all I am going to say.

bob