My Jaw Hurts.

My jaw hurts from sucking too much cock. If it is all the same to you I wont complain anymore than that. I am almost out of complaints. What could you do for me anyway. We pay and get nothing, we ask and get nothing, we smile and get nothing, I tell you what is bizarre to me it is the bullshit etiquette that we dole out when we do any commerce. I hate a thank you when we don't mean it. "Is there anything else we can do for you today?" Other than sucking my balls I wish you would jump in front of a train. I just complained how you fucked me over for the past twenty minutes and you ask me that. I don't get it. It is false and disingenuous and that is where we are as a culture. We really don't care about anyone or anything other that what is on TV and what my facebook says. I cry and complain but I probably really am not doing too bad. I hope that you are doing worse so that you can make me feel guilty. I got news for everyone, I will not feel guilty anymore or at least I will try. I am most likely kinder and more thoughtful than you. If I piss you off then good, I was trying. I am good at anything I try to do. My Mommy told me so. I hope that I get out of this laim ass funk sometime soon but I don't think I will. As long as I have to live this gay ass life pleasing other people I will be doomed. Doomed to pretend. As long as we all agree to pretend then it should all be okay. It is a good thing that I do not have an alcohol or drug problem but I am about as fat as a sheep before slaughter. I would be better off being stoned and drunk, at least those abuses have some entertainment value. I will go back to my life of smiles and cares and pretend to be strong. At least I do not have to pretend to be in love or care for people like so many people seem to be. Do say thank you to me and push me in the same sentence. I am pleased to know that I have family and friends who do care. It is genuinely difficult to behave as good as you want to. I always know the best way but sometimes I cant seem to stop the momentum. Maybe today is my day one for what I need to do....... I am going to go home and practice my guitar and enjoy the sounds it makes. I will improve my art and fill my cup......When someone fucks you over it would be nice to get a sorry out of it.... I think that I will fix all those that I have left on my mind ASAP. Believe me it is a short list. It is just not my nature.

What to do when you run out of gas?

Well my upside down stretch of life continues. It is on spin cycle now. Through chaos I have found clarity. At my ends of despair I find wisdom. It must be part of the suffering process to let go of what is not necessary and hold on to what is. I am letting go of arrogance and pettiness. I am holding on to love for my wife and my friends. Being humbled is humbling. Loosing sometimes shows you what you have. People are loosing everything even when they seemingly have it all. Keeping focus on what is important is easier when the fire burns hottest. Being honest and pure in spirit is the key to survival, if at least emotionally. I have found that I do not any longer have the strength nor desire to fight. Being kind is what I am good at so I might as well start and end there. Life has lessons and we should be growing through them. Becoming better people should be a constant occurrence for all of us. Betterness is not something you drive or wear on your wrist. It is a peace and knowledge of who you are and whom you align yourself with. I hope that this peacefulness can continue and not let it be corrupted by trivial arguments. I do not think that I am a spiritual person but maybe this is that kind of feeling. A faith if you may. We shall see what more harm this life has for us and endure it with grace and dignity.