Okay, Enough of the crying.

Life is going better I guess, if being alone 80% of your day is better. Not something that I have become used to yet but I am sure that I will. I do miss my job and career and all things that I thought made me important. Now I know why old peolpe focus so much on there bowel movements. If there is not much going on in their world that has to suffice for current events. I am not going to watch Oprah or FOX hate news. I will just hand out with my dogs and ponder my next move. Planning ahead takes far too much thought and effort. As far as buying a house I am at the mercy of what my wife wants. Not a big deal really as I do enjoy letting her have what she wants anyway. It is a good thing that I do not have kids as they would have flame throwers if they wanted them. Whom am I to deny you. I just don't care too much about it. In some ways it is easier to know that you have no say in what happens. I just figured that out. No need to sell my view if it won't be considered. Not a big deal really. I want her to be happy and if controlling every aspect of my life makes her happy I am glad to do it.

I don't think that it is reasonable for your ladies under the age of 22 getting breast implants. They have not even worn themselves in yet let alone require replacement.

I have also concluded that most, if not all, people are doing the best they can and do not require ridicule. It is just not necessary and a sign of arrogance if you participate in that function more than absolutely minimal.

Brett Farve is not Brave Heart. He should be careful. Look what happened to Mel Gibson.

So in conclusion I am going to abandon my cry baby mentality and man the fuck up and take the ball shot direct with a grin. No sense in bringing other people down. In this world of never thoughts I could have gone on forever without any of these changes happening to me......I am still not crossed over into full blown gayness so You would have never thought either.

BOB

Going to where the weather suits my clothes.

Business is closed and that part of my life is past. Time continues whether we like it or not. For better or for worse time keeps on going. Life keeps on going. I keep on going. So its all getting back to what I do not know. Looking forward to cleaning painting and moving....Not really but I have noticed that my complaining is boring and I should stop as soon as I can so that I do not bore people as much as they bore me. It is only fair but in that game I don't want to play fair. The mind is a funny thing. We anticipate and fantasize about what will come and what will be said. I have come to the conclusion that for the most part all is said that will be said. All of the moves are played. If you did not get to dig as deep as you would have liked maybe you did. In the big picture it does not mean too much anyway. If people fail you why do you have to crush them. You want to but for what benefit. Just let them go. I am feeling better about everything so no need to worry. Worry about yourselves. Stress will do a lot of bad things to you. I will get back to being that great person that I am proud of. There is more to do and more to discover. I do thank all that support me as you know you have mine as well.

I did my Best is a lonely consolation

It is a lonely place when you are left after all you efforts and determination with half a sandwich and some chips. Others won't know or care and nor do I for it. Today for me is about me and I am alone and I am fine with that as alone I am. I have made every effort to have done my best and my best I have done. Not perfect some days not even close but overall I handle bad things well. I just don't give that big of a fuck to get too upset. I am a humble person anyway so trouble does not offend me as bad. Call it lack of pride or concern for appearances but I will be fine with my little car and nice guitars. I have had all the success and more than I have ever dreamed I could and that is thanks to my efforts and to those people who have helped me along my way. At some time however, it is your own boat to row. In calm seas or rough no one can help the man in the boat. (why do I always think of beaver)......That's because that is the truth of it all........ I suffer alone better anyway. Me at my worst day is usually better than you at your better day. I just can concentrate through it all and perform. I always could. I can honestly say that few people have the power to reach me when I can reach near everyone. Am I my own island? Irritating me is not connecting with me. The Butterfly Effect does exist. I hope that my effect was a good one. Time to corrupt a whole new area of the country.

When does being a martyr pay more than dismemberment. For Christ sakes it should pay more. Does it entitle you to disability.

Anyway, It is late and I am tired and if you meet me in the parking lot I would gladly kick your ass.

bob

Tis the season. For what I do not know, Or Care.

The times have been hard for us. Living apart is not how I was designed to live. I hope that the future is better than my present. It should be somewhat better but you never can tell. All things considered my present is not so bad. I could have it much worse. I can see that now. I am learning how to let go of the inner rage that near consumed me, or at least the people around me. Like they give a fuck. Now a fuck would be a great thing to give me. I am learning a lot about myself with all of these trials. I now accept, as I did before that drinking more than two beers is generally not a good thing for me to do. I accept that and will abstain from excessive drinking. It is unfortunate that I have the family history that I have for alcoholism but I do. It is not my fault. Drinking is. It is the family curse. We all have the demon. I have it too. I just don't dance with it as often nor deny that it exists. I have also learned, or am trying to learn, how to let go of the rage that my Father gave to me. It is effective if approached by strangers or need to talk someone off a bridge but for general purposes it is misused and misunderstood. I have, as do all my brothers have, a rage that goes all the way down to my toes and beyond. It is primal. It can be scary. It will not turn away. It is a distorted sense of will. I need to let mine go its merry way. To let it go live somewhere else with someone else. My rage is not completely unjust but what good does it do other than cause me to be alienated from people whom otherwise would have no position over me. But that brings up another point of what position do I have. I am in a position of loss and abandonment anyway. Nice to see how many can come to my rescue. The problem lies in the fact that I would refuse the rescue anyway. I have learned not to rely on others. Most relationships are based off of what you can do for them. When I need nothing because I desire nothing makes the relationship a little harder for all parties. Give people what you want to give not what they want to have has been the mode of operation for me lately. What disappoints most people that I know about me is that I can achieve great things for all people and situations if I apply the dedication and consideration for their cause. I have lost some of the belief in servitude. I mean what do I get out of it. Too bad for me as I generally do not have a payback in my mind when I do near anything. I just try to do what I think it right.

I have my hands, mind, and spirit and not much else. I am starting over in life, again. I may not be able to find fault or blame for my problems in myself but then again I may not be looking far enough. Life is a brief moment anyway and we travel through it together helping each other along the way. We cant climb other people's mountains. We cant cure what ails anyone that a smile or a cookie cant fix. We are powerless in many ways. All I desire is some consideration but not enough to embarrass me or you.

I must admit that all of the problems I have had have taught me several things about myself that I was not planning on reviewing. My love for my wife is larger than the love for myself and to come to terms with my temper and relationship with my family and my inner drive. The confidence to be yourself in all situations is true freedom. And the concept of forgiveness and loss of needless expectation. At some point in life we will lose everything. It is a process that is inevitable. Do you have the will and belief to rebuild. I am humbled to a great extent but I am confident that will go away.

bob

It has been years since I last blogged.

I don't blog nearly as much as I used to. There are many things that I do not do as much as I used to. Eating is not one of them. To update, Moving out west to start a new life seems daunting but whatever comes my way I will meet with the tools I have as I always do. People are sad to see me go as I am most loved. It is mutual. The mutual part is the hardest. At best people think of you what you think of them. It seems odd to me some of the issues that I have come across. Generally I have managed most things quite well to my thinking. Not as good as I would like but the best that I can do. I am never surprised by peoples selfishness anymore. It is constant and consistent. Silly me to think that my life is my life. I look forward to the up coming challenges. I find it at least interesting that my skill set is so rare, or at least it seems to be. I find a way to help for more often than just try. I do fail on occasion to help people but it is a much smaller portion than others. I don't think that I am too hard to help. Simple really, I like food, boxing, playing my guitar, rock and roll concerts, drinking 3 or less beers, crude humor. I do not like to be belittled and mocked nor dominated. If you choose to do that to me I will do it back to you. Crazy to see how much people whine and complain with everything that they do they don't even realize it. If you demonstrate disappointment for things that should not disappoint you you suck balls and should be slapped. I, as if you know me would know, have the ability to listen and think outside my own eyes to aid people with their problem. In crisis I almost never criticize. I choose encouragement as my tool. It is quite easy and I will share it with all of you. Tell people what they are and not what they are not. It is simple to find fault, hard to notice quality. You can lead more people by not pushing. Try not to alienate others by your help. Because at the root of it you should care more about the rapport with people than being right and as for me. Don't put your hand near a growling dog. Now, I would assume that this is basic stuff but it is not. It is a good thing for me that I rely on myself for the most part anyway. I have learned the hard way the confide is the root word to confidence. I notice when I disappoint and hurt others expectation but I don't tend to make a habit out of being ignorant. I tend to argue that ignorance is stupidity not corrected. Now something you do for the first time it is easy to be naive. But being a person someone would bring their problems and needs to should be learned by most people over 9. Anyway, at my core I am building my strength. I am grateful to those who do help me. I am amazed at those who can do it in a way that does not glorify themselves or alienate me. I strive to correct my wrongs but to those that I offend that will be the end of my remedy. I do not kiss ass anymore unless I want to. Wouldn't that be great if everyone was as bold and direct. If you like ask me what I think of you and I will tell you. I don't have a problem with that. To those people that I call or keep close touch with you should know already. I am at a point in my life that if you will be real with me I will be real with you. If you feel justified to attack me so will I. If you show me kindness, so will I. I am a mirror to my environment. I had a beautiful dinner Sunday, I called my friends to thank them. I did not deserve it. They were not paying me back for something I did earlier. They are kind to me as I am to them. Great friends. I have many. I am blessed........Anyway, I am venting which is boring I would much rather rant. I will leave you all with a thanks to those who deserve one and I wish you could get your head out of my ass for those who don't. Be the best you can be. Know the people you love so that you CAN help them. Be a person of importance to more people than yourself. Don't let your right hand be the only source of gratification you have. And, most of all, is patience and tolerance for all things. That is what I am trying so hard to regain. Also, Nothing annoys someone more than telling them something they already know, especially in a way that makes them more provoked. That and I pay all of my debts, Good and Bad.

Just hanging around waiting to turn around

Just doing time by myself, in the corner with no one else around. Without permission or supervision. Up to my own accord. It is my world to clean and remove all that can be seen. New beginings, new wounds to mend. All is lost but I will rise again. It could be worse and I am sure someday will be. Too bad That I did not enjoy all that I had when I had it. Without getting specific as that would bore you worse than I am already I have grown in several ways that are good. Trouble does seem to humble one. Not that I needed it but it does leave me more appreciative that all of us struggle through hard times and we are all alone to deal with our problems. It is only you who can be your sherpa. Friends can comfort you but not carry you as far as you need to go.

My Jaw Hurts.

My jaw hurts from sucking too much cock. If it is all the same to you I wont complain anymore than that. I am almost out of complaints. What could you do for me anyway. We pay and get nothing, we ask and get nothing, we smile and get nothing, I tell you what is bizarre to me it is the bullshit etiquette that we dole out when we do any commerce. I hate a thank you when we don't mean it. "Is there anything else we can do for you today?" Other than sucking my balls I wish you would jump in front of a train. I just complained how you fucked me over for the past twenty minutes and you ask me that. I don't get it. It is false and disingenuous and that is where we are as a culture. We really don't care about anyone or anything other that what is on TV and what my facebook says. I cry and complain but I probably really am not doing too bad. I hope that you are doing worse so that you can make me feel guilty. I got news for everyone, I will not feel guilty anymore or at least I will try. I am most likely kinder and more thoughtful than you. If I piss you off then good, I was trying. I am good at anything I try to do. My Mommy told me so. I hope that I get out of this laim ass funk sometime soon but I don't think I will. As long as I have to live this gay ass life pleasing other people I will be doomed. Doomed to pretend. As long as we all agree to pretend then it should all be okay. It is a good thing that I do not have an alcohol or drug problem but I am about as fat as a sheep before slaughter. I would be better off being stoned and drunk, at least those abuses have some entertainment value. I will go back to my life of smiles and cares and pretend to be strong. At least I do not have to pretend to be in love or care for people like so many people seem to be. Do say thank you to me and push me in the same sentence. I am pleased to know that I have family and friends who do care. It is genuinely difficult to behave as good as you want to. I always know the best way but sometimes I cant seem to stop the momentum. Maybe today is my day one for what I need to do....... I am going to go home and practice my guitar and enjoy the sounds it makes. I will improve my art and fill my cup......When someone fucks you over it would be nice to get a sorry out of it.... I think that I will fix all those that I have left on my mind ASAP. Believe me it is a short list. It is just not my nature.

What to do when you run out of gas?

Well my upside down stretch of life continues. It is on spin cycle now. Through chaos I have found clarity. At my ends of despair I find wisdom. It must be part of the suffering process to let go of what is not necessary and hold on to what is. I am letting go of arrogance and pettiness. I am holding on to love for my wife and my friends. Being humbled is humbling. Loosing sometimes shows you what you have. People are loosing everything even when they seemingly have it all. Keeping focus on what is important is easier when the fire burns hottest. Being honest and pure in spirit is the key to survival, if at least emotionally. I have found that I do not any longer have the strength nor desire to fight. Being kind is what I am good at so I might as well start and end there. Life has lessons and we should be growing through them. Becoming better people should be a constant occurrence for all of us. Betterness is not something you drive or wear on your wrist. It is a peace and knowledge of who you are and whom you align yourself with. I hope that this peacefulness can continue and not let it be corrupted by trivial arguments. I do not think that I am a spiritual person but maybe this is that kind of feeling. A faith if you may. We shall see what more harm this life has for us and endure it with grace and dignity.

What is your weakness for the day.

Everybody has a weakness. Some people are riddled with them like ridges on ruffles potato chips. That's all you see is their flaws. Others hide them well. Some people don't have many as they just don't seem to care about anything at all. What will piss me off is generally when people are rude or disruptive, which I generally am so I am always mad at myself. Maybe I will change some of the things that I am. Interesting times for the family as we are attempting to plan a party for our mother whom is turning 70 years old. Great idea but much more difficult to pull off than you would think. The infighting that exists in families knows no bounds or limits. We choose not to get along when we should yield and do our best. The simplest of actions such as enjoying someones company is too much of a burden to endure. If we don't care about other people why are we so upset with them. It just does not make much sense to me. We shall see how the party goes. I hope it all goes well. Well enough of that sad crap.

What is so great about baseball. I think baseball is gay. The whole idea of it bores me to hell. People are so excited about the pitchers and the catchers being at spring training. That shows us that they celebrate gay activity. Also we celebrate the Olympics just a bit too much. Anything that takes four years to happen is just not worth getting that excited about. It is like my sex life. As little action as I get would not warrant such anticipation.

Today is another day.

Just another day for me. How about you? I hope that all is well with you and you have peace in your heart and mind. Together you and your happy thoughts could take a shower. I have been asked lately if my meds are correct. All because I have the ability to articulate complex emotions and thoughts don't think that I am loosing my mind. I know that the world at large would rather just not hear it and I may comply. I just may not have a lot to say. So in my silence I suffer alone, like I do on this blog. Alone I am not. I am proud of the life that I have created. I have a loving wife, more cars than I need and the respect from those whom I care about. What more could a man ask for. I could command the respect from those that I do not care about but that is a fools game. I am just waiting to see what hand to play next. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Usually waiting is met with disappointment and that's why we hate it so much. Good things come to those that wait. That is wrong. I have to act happy everywhere I go so not to burden people with my burden. That is fine for the most part and fair, I just wish others would play by the same rules. Some people make it their mission to influence others for the dumber. I don't. I consistently and often under punishment try to make people better people. I tolerate them and try to aid their journey through life with some insight. From my perspective it is a rare skill. People are generally better at pissing people off than helping them. I have a few friends that help me even though they don't know it. I keep it to my self. I don't want them to know that I know that they know me.

Things are sad all over. I am proud of my friend.

I have been looking for some emotional or spiritual or who knows the hell kind of uplifting thoughts to help me through this hard time that I am going through and I am devoid of most inspiration. However, In seeing how other people act to adversity can be amazing. It is great when they will still be good fathers and brothers and husbands and all that stuff even through they crap in a bag or talk threw a tube. They will still be the things they have to be in spite of their disability. I am humbled. That inspires me to be good at all the things I need to be good at. No words can convey the path that just has to be walked. So to my good friend know that I care and I am sorry that I have not seen what you are going through because of my head and ass's relationship.

How do we deal with the sadness of others.

It is hard to endure the sadness of others. First off it is saddening itself then the challenge of changing their sadness to joy in near impossible or improbable. Wondering how to proceed yet anchored by the depth of grief in their eyes haunts you all through your day. There is no escape from the pain that others feel when they are yours. It may even be worse for the witness as they are powerless. I have chosen, as I always do, to do my best in every role I play and accept what limits I have to change what is unchangeable. Lost are the better days that I missed. One thing is for sure that the sun will rise again tomorrow and I will look forward to its prospects. Can we change ourselves enough to verify the necessity for suffering. I think to some degree we cant and that is why some people seem to suffer a lot. One thing is for sure, in this life we all get a turn.

I am sorry that I ignored you, It was an accident.

Do people ignore people on purpose. I don't do that too often as it is rude as hell. I sure do ignore people accidentally. That happens very often. I am typically self consumed. I have also learned from my drinking episode that I must sound like a complete asshole when I am drunk. I heard what I was saying but I just could not stop the bullshit from leaving my mouth. I hope that I am inferred at least as funny. Humble I am not. Truth be told I am humble but just less than most people. I like to brag about my many talents and if you give me a minute I will show them too you as well. I just don't think that I am as good as I think I am. Let me correct that I am not as good as I think I am but that is what makes me as good as I am. I believe in myself to the point of delusion. I am committed to the art of self gratification. If I was not is such a rush maybe someone else would do it for me. Just like my sex life. My wife may be in the mood but I already jerked off. (just kidding, I don't jerk off, I make looooooovvvvvvveeeeee.) Anyway, rather than take criticism too seriously I will just lighten up. I mean who cares anyway. Its only rock and roll or what ever. Nothing to get too upset with. Its just not that important. Generally however people never seem to understand how difficult certain little things can be. I always give thanks and praise to anyone who does something at least good. I don't think being critical is all that helpful. If it was we would all be great at everything we do.

Trying to stay sane with some help from my friends

Overall I am doing fair to good considering the stress of uncertainty. Changes are coming just don't know what they are yet. I will try to patiently wait them out. Being patient is not easy for me nor most people. Now things are good with the family which is good. All my brothers are going to be getting together for our mother's 70th birthday which will be a great occasion. We have not all been in the same room together since my father's passing. It would be nice to see all of us together without a funeral. So that is good news. Work is slow and that sucks. Oh, I did crap my own pants last week for the first time since I am 5 years old. I sneezed and crapped out a pudding pop serving size. I was on some antibiotic and I guess people were right when they said that could mess your ass up. I did still go to the store. Ace hardware should understand that a man who craps his pants and still goes shopping is mentally tougher than you.

Are we all ready to die.

Yeah that is a grim one but recently several people close to me have attempted suicide. Not a great hobby to start. Especially if you are good at what you do. I would never try that as a remedy but who knows. No one wants mental illness. Too bad we dont have brain viagra. Sure you can take meds for depression but viagra can give you a hard on that lasts for hours and hours. You can use your dick to carve wood if you had to. Yup, that viagra is better than paxil. Now I never had to take those paxil style of meds. I just dont believe in the bullshit answers that doctors give patients or furthermore what patients would accepts. Lets face it no 200 pills are going to cure the fact that you are an asshole. Also why is the word viagra look like the word vagina. Why dont they just call it vagina and get it over with. Those drug names do bother me. Flowmax. Now that would have to be a pill for guys as I could never see a woman buying a pill called flowmax. I just dont like to be marketed to constantly. Just tell me the truth and I will do with it as I may. If you market to me I will resist it.

As far as my music goes I am still the best guitarist that I have in my head. I do enjoy playing and actually listening as well to others play but my enthusiasm gets the better of me and I dominate the world again. All because I am aware of my defects will have little effect upon future outbreaks. Maybe I need valtrex for my mind. To prevent future asshole outbreaks. Either way, I care less and less about what other people think of my music. If you dont like it I dont care. I probably dont like how you play either although at least I try. I generally try to find something that I like in everybody. Some people are harder.

Did you ever be rude in general to avoid a worse situation. I had to today to avoid talking about a more sensitive issue. I generally have control over what I do even when it looks like I don't.

Anyhow, lets not get too heavy. I sold a guitar, reducing down the fleet. I have enough anyway and too much is just that too much. If I don't love it it must go. Too bad I cant use that motto everywhere. We tend to keep around which we don't love. My dogs better not piss me off.

Trying to stay peacefully although I am not. Each day is a fight for all that I have. Its no joke. Death will come to us all and I question us to what we have learned. Do we at least know ourselves. Why do we judge others based off of their weaknesses. I tend to accept them as part of the whole and not separate it. Life is stressful. So much so that it can kill you. After that you have nothing anyway. So why worry about it now.