It is hard to cope with the world when you are openly gay.

It would be easier to be openly gay than to openly show how I feel about most people most of the time.  Why do we bother having to hide our feelings, our unconscious thoughts.  Most people don't hide theirs so why should I hide mine.  I can read most people most of the time or so I think.  I do prefer straightforward people that can just express their disdain open and honestly.  Unfortunately we all tend to hide our true thoughts and then we do stupid things like make racial slurs or condemn entire generations just to make the point that I am disappointed in you and do not respect you. Maybe it is safer just to be honest and share our disapproval but what good would that do.

My buddy called to tell me that he thinks that I have low T.  What a fuck face.  At least he is thinking of me.    Not the greatest of comments or messages.  Maybe I am focused too much on what is wrong with people that what is right with them.    Half the world has vaginas and that is great to have.  The rest of them have penises and that is good to.

It's the people that make it so hard.

Work is stressful enough without working with people who are continuously uninspiring.  Too bad I had a change in careers and am forced to work with people who just don't have excellence in mind.  They are not all like that but the majority of it is pissfull bliss.

Anyway,  I should not complain about work as much as I even find it unattractive and will not even jerk off today because I stole the mood thinking about work.   I should just let other people fail.  I try so hard to ensure everyone's success but fuck them. It is their job to be successful, not mine.  I guess I could offer encouragement but courage is not what these lazy fucks suffer from.  Courage to sit around and bullshit their way through day after day with no significant impact on other people's lives other than irritation and annoyance.  Kind of sad.  I just want to save enough money so that I can retire and be a douchebag like the rest of the World as I cannot be a douche bag while I work.

My hand is starting to cramp and I likely won't be able to pleasure myself for a few days at least if I keep this up.  I guess I am beginning to understand how my wife feels when she sees me.

Kinda thinking too much about nothing interesting

Getting older sure does have it benefits.  It takes less time to pooh and I look forward to it more.  Walking long distances is not an option.  Running away from my problems involves running and I don't run anymore.  Sleeping around would likely just involve sleeping and my wife could not be too mad at that.  I care more about your feelings than my own but then again I care more about my TV than you or me so what good is caring more for you than me do either of us.  I miss the things that used to get me in trouble.  I miss being in trouble.  I miss caring so little about work when that is all that I seem to care about now.  There is such a fear that motivates us all to be successful but as we get older it seems to be stronger.  It is more a fear of starting over and not the success itself.  Its the mountain it takes.   I miss the lack of wisdom that I used to have when it involved pursuing what was fun to do.  I miss my Father every day of my life.  I miss all of my friends that I likely will never see again unless they die, but they won't really be there.  I am more grateful for the beauty that I find in simple people.  I miss that I don't take nor seek advice anymore but always feel as if I am in a position to give it.  I long for an erection that could hurt someone, other than their feelings.   I miss the confidence that I used to have for the things I could not do yet.  I now can see that all people are not created equally in talent or discipline.  I think that everyone deserves a chance to succeed, just not my chance.  I have noticed that some people have more degrees than they should to try to hide the fact that they are stupid.  What happens in the desert should always stay in the desert. It is not wrong to like men more than woman when you first get to know them.  There is a near zero percent chance that a man is going to give me herpes.  The older I get I realize how little most people care about anything.   I realize that I never had sex with someone that I thought was ugly.  I regret that. 

Blogging is hard work

Seems silly what people think they do for work matters to anyone other than themselves.  Now that I am a cooperate whore willing to do the work of 7 people I am surly part of the problem.  I don't think that I could live with myself any other way.  Being self employed for as long as I was and the type of person owning and operating a business that I had creates a certain type of approach to work that surely does not seem to be shared by the majority of the people that I run into.   Some have the drive and desire to challenge themselves but most don't.  It is funny that the ones who do are so skilled that they really could ride it out in easy fashion but would be bored.  Myself on the other hand am learning the skills needed to be successful in a completely different career.  Hard work and just basis learning your job seems to be a crossover successful strategy.  The ones who are vulnerable still try to stay in the pack as if it is a safer place for them to be.  I guess when you are as intelligent and hard working as I am staying in the pack is not a good strategy.  They will never trust me anyway so why pretend that they should.  I play life as hard as I can and am not playing a game.  If you can hang with what I bring to the show then good for both of us. If not don't blame me because your brain does not work.   Even though I have made my way forward it is still very humbling to start over and not know what other dumb fuckers already know.   I guess it may keep me young at heart to climb a mountain again.  It seems that my work load is about to triple and I am already working over 60 hours per week and now have the burden to train and teach others what only I have been able to do.  It will be hard. 

Sad thing for me lately is that my life is consumed with work and my drive for success.  It seems like that would be a good thing but anything can be over done and like anything I tend to over do.  One sure way to know that you had enough is to have too much.  It makes me wonder what my next career will be.

One good thought that I had worth sharing other than I work hard and am good at what I do but still fuck up here and there is that we tend never to focus on the friends that you have in your life right now.  They are the most valuable friends that you have as they define the person you are now.....I enjoy and embrace all of my friends who I never lost track or love for but an open heart for those who's days we can improve have tremendous value.  It is important to be important everywhere you are.  It is the only way to turn a new location into a new home.   

I can blog again or is it too soon

Hello All,  I mean hello Me.  Who the fuck would read this shit anyway.  Not enjoying work as much as I used to which is not too much since I am no longer self employed.  Being an employee is a worthless way to go through life.  Anything you do right you will never gain the reward for and anything you do wrong will be used against you.  Lets face it it all will be used against you.  I wish I could just yell at these Mfrs that my net worth is more than this whole fucking offices times two but who the fuck would care.  They may already know that already.  I guess I am just biding my time until I can retire.  Sad to think that I may have 20 more years of this mindless dribble.   Its not too bad if it was not for the people that I work with, the work itself I find sort of interesting.  I can make anything interesting I guess because I am interesting......Yeah right, All I do is plan the next time I am going to jerk off.  Even that is loosing its interest.  It is a bad sign when you stop doing the things that you enjoy.  Reminds me of the time when my Doctor asked me if I have lost the joy in doing what I used to enjoy.  I asked him if he is asking me if I still Jerk Off.   Jeez, some doctors can't take a joke.  Doctors are generally assholes and I should know. 
Now that I have proven myself smarter than three engineers I wonder what I am going to do for fun at work.   I think that I may just start looking for another job and start it all over again.  It would be like Ground hog day but instead of just walking around some little town (Woodstock Illinois) I could just ruin then rebuild my life over and over again.  I should have a sense of humor about it by now.  I do have another interest on my horizon.  I am studying classical music and in time will be proficient enough to teach it.  If I stay focused on it I should be a high level player.  It is all about the practice and that is what makes anything in life hard.  Being excellent at anything is simple it just isn't easy.  I may close out my life with that.  My first love was always the guitar.  It is the only friend that I have had that does not mind my drinking. 
I do think of others often but hardly ever bother to write or call.  Not that they are not worthy or I am too busy but where do we pick up.  Hi, I forgot about you.  It has been so long since I have last eaten your food or wore your clothes.  So what has changed since I last crapped at your house.  We all get stuck in our small lives.  Too bad our TVs are better friends than people who have helped you settle a debt the old fashioned way  Maybe, it is because people always seem to complain like that is friendship.  I don't care that your wife is a bitch or that you are retarded and just unaware of it   Then the happy friends are assholes too.  Like I really care that you are so please with all of your successes.  I actually am pleased for you but why do you have to make me admit it.  One habit that I would like to break would be this respect and social bullshit that I have picked up.  I am either above or below someone.  I may have spent too much effort trying to fit in an Asian family where that kind of stuff is very important, except to my wife who does not bother thinking about it.  Then why the fuck do I.  Who knows.   One good thing about getting older and the fewer friends you have is that fact there is less people to fit in with.  But there is less chance of getting into a 3 way or a fist fight so it must be even.

It is time to blog again, Maybe twice in one day but only if I am at work

Blogging is good for the soul.  I can open up and tell my true feelings knowing that nobody cares.  I guess I can do that in real life as well as nobody cares.  People are still jerk offs and I still jerk off so it all still makes sense somehow.  Now I am no longer self employed person who takes on all the responsibilities in the World I have found a way to do that at another job.  Not the same.  No sense of pride doing all you can to ensure success and survival where most others in the group would prefer the ship to sink just to tell you they told you so.  It amazes me that I put any effort into people at all.  It further amazes me that I am even here.  Oh well, life can surely deal some surprises.  My wife still tells me how to whip my ass so I am not left without advice and instruction.  The job itself does interest me and the reports I write and research I perform does make me feel some small level of pride.  Too bad that I am less important than a pimple on my boss's ass, at least that's what he told me.  Why are people always honest with me.  It could be that I am honest with them.  Not such a great deal.  I do prefer honesty even when it is false honesty.  I do like that fact that in Arizona you can go and buy a gun and shoot people if you like.  You may have to wait three days so that they can check you out and maybe what you were so mad at will have calmed down enough so that you don't feel the need to kill people.  I can guarantee that I would still feel the same way in three days as I do now.  Work takes way too much time especially if you spend your time at work working.  Most people I have found are of two species those that work in front of others and those that don't.  How the Fuck do these people stay employed.   Oh, I was not going to curse anymore.  I now have agreed with my wife not to make anymore racial jokes of any kind with anyone as it is insulting to her.   She is Korean and finds the term chink demeaning and just plain rude.   It deeply upsets her the idea that I could condone such banter.   Since I myself do not feel any racist thoughts I can do this for her,  more so for myself.  But then again I must change myself to remove oneself from other peoples worthless indulgences.  I might as well give up porn and drugs while I am at it.   Seems simple enough.  I do condone drinking and doing drugs if it helps you cope with your life's problems.  Too bad it generally causes your life's problems at the same time.  But if you are one of the few that it does not seem to injure I want to party with you. (although I do not drink or do drugs) 

I want to move to Michigan just to brag to the World that I can drink with the best of them.  It must be German and Swedes that landed there that make it OK to be drunk all day every day.  Man they are friendly enough to handle it.  Being Irish I am not friendly enough to be drunk every day.  I would for surely say something and do something that all people would find offensive.  Irish people are hands on haters.  Those snobby and aristocratic Germans and Swedes use fancy words and methods to get their hatred across where an Irish person will just punch you.  Remember kicking your ass is always a reasonable option for an Irishman.